On What He’d Change About His Family “Different mother, different father, different sister, different everything, but I’ll stay the same.” On His Parents Splitting Up “I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect. My parents got divorced. They had a custody fight over me. No one showed up.” On ‘It’s The Thought That Counts’ “I tell ya, last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a BB gun. He game me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back.” On The Value Of Education “My kid, he drives me nuts. For 3 years now he goes to a private school. He won’t tell me where it is.” On Getting Snipped “I tell my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.” On Kids Today “Kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it’s finger licking good, but one thing leads to another …” On Sharing A Bed“When I was a kid, we were poor. We used to sleep 6 in one bed. I didn’t know what it was like to sleep alone until I got married.” On Having ‘The Talk’ “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” On Tub Time “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
